“Real Listening”
“Real listening is a willingness to let the other person change you. When I’m willing to let them change me, something happens between us that’s more interesting than a pair of dueling monologues.” —Alan Alda, Actor
I’m sure we all have tons of experience with the opposite kind of listening: with people listening to hear what they already believe … and reacting “badly” when they hear something that challenges their beliefs.
Putting It Into Practice
In putting Alan Alda’s wisdom into practice, it feels as if “Level 1” has to do with how I speak to others. When I admit that most people are not listening with a willingness to be changed, I realize there’s no point in speaking to them as if they were.
That’s why, many years ago, I stopped trying to change anyone’s mind through conversation. I found those kinds of conversations were stressful and, most of the time, utterly pointless. It didn’t matter if we were talking about politics or religion or the color of a flower.
It felt far more loving to simply allow other people to believe what they believe, while allowing myself to believe what I believe.
For me, this has become relatively easy to remember in personal conversations. But it can be more challenging when the conversation has to do with work, especially if we’re deciding how to move forward together on a project. Which brings us to Level 2…
Am I Willing to Be Changed?
The Level 2 practice, as I see it, has to do with how I listen when others speak. Am I listening to hear what I want to hear and what I already believe? Or am I willing to be changed by what the other person is saying?
I’d like to think I’m willing to be changed. I do aim to practice deep listening, or listening to understand. When I listen in this way, I do my best to avoid getting triggered or defensive by what someone says. Instead, if someone says something that feels “off” or challenging to me, I do my best to ask questions. I might ask what prompted them to say it, or I might ask them to tell me more, or whatever feels expansive in the moment.
When I listen to understand, I often learn about someone’s past experiences or about a belief they hold that’s different from my own. Whatever I learn, I know it has value because it increases my understanding.
Sometimes it increases my understanding of why people are the way they are, which helps open up my heart a little more, changing me on an emotional and perhaps even spiritual level. Other times, hearing another’s perspective will shift my own perception, changing me on more of a mental level.
What About You?
Are you trying to change others when you speak?
Are you willing to be changed by what others say?
What do you believe “real listening” is?
How do you want to be heard?
