Feeling-Goals

As New Year's Eve fast approaches, many of my friends, colleagues and clients are working on their goals for 2012. Personally, I find goal-setting to be a tricky endeavor.

A lot of Law of Attraction, self-help and mainstream business experts recommend creating very specific goals for yourself, then transforming them into affirmations that are written as if your goal has already been achieved. For instance, "I have a successful coaching business that has netted me $1 million in 2012."

I've never felt comfortable with this type of goal-setting. Perhaps it's because these statements bring up an almost primal fear: a fear that I will be deeply disappointed -- even humiliated and ashamed -- if I get close to my self-imposed deadline and the affirmation doesn't look as if it can possibly come true. I have heard of people achieving these kinds of goals at the last possible second, but, personally, I have to expend a lot of energy to remain upbeat and optimistic while affirming these sorts of statements.

On the other hand, I've discovered a different kind of goal-setting that feels really good to me. Rather than creating goals that focus on what I want to achieve, I create goals that focus on how I want to be.

For instance, I want to be -- i.e., I want to feel -- kind, generous, relaxed, free, joyful and playful. These are the kinds of feelings I equate with having financial abundance. In fact, they're the very reason I want to have plenty of money.

While it feels icky to me to focus on the specifics of how much financial abundance I want to attract and how that money will come (e.g., $1 million via a coaching business), it feels really good to think about what I will do when I am being the way I want to be. For example, it feels wonderful when I envision myself treating friends to an amazing multi-course meal paired with fabulous wines at an acclaimed restaurant, or taking a loved one on a fantastic first-class vacation, or living in a wonderful, uplifting home that feels like a personal sanctuary.

In my experience, identifying how I want to feel is an uplifting, energizing, joyful way to go about setting goals and intentions for the New Year. Once I've identified those feelings, then I can relax and let the Universe sort out the details of how my goals will be achieved. After all, I know the Universe has my best interests at heart, and I know that it will provide plenty of inspiration -- amazing ideas that will feel great and that I will want to act upon -- to help me achieve the wonderful feeling states I desire.

In other words, I don't have to figure out all the "To Do's" to get to my desired being states. I don't have to make a list and chunk it down into ever smaller steps. I don't have to figure out the "cursed hows," as Mike Dooley calls them.

I just have to relax and, as much as possible, feel the way I want to feel. Then the Universe will deliver more circumstances and events that match those feeling states, and I will enjoying taking inspired action all along the way.

Responsibility vs. Response-Ability

Many of us feel a tremendous sense of responsibility -- responsibility for ourselves, responsibility for our children, responsibility for our significant others, responsibility for our work, responsibility for our homes, responsibility for our communities.

We feel responsible for fixing, changing, helping, saving, solving. We feel responsible for hundreds, if not thousands, of things that are outside of our own personal control.

All of this responsibility can feel like a huge, smothering weight.

Not surprisingly, many people feel crushed -- in spirit, and even physically -- by all of this pressure.

But there's another way to look at responsibility, a way that will not only provide instant relief, it will help you feel more in control of your life.

As Deepak Chopra says in The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, "Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself. Having accepted this circumstance, this event, this problem, responsibility then means the ability to have a creative response to the situation as it is now."

In other words, your true responsibility is your "response-ability."

Once you come to understand that, you've got the keys to the kingdom!

Here's an example: Several years ago, I was having a hard time dealing with my father. He made me really mad.

We could spend four hours together, and sometime near the end of those four hours, he might think to ask how I was doing. The rest of the time, he'd talk pretty much non-stop. And if I tried to participate in the conversation, he would shush me and tell me not to interrupt.

That drove me crazy. It hurt my feelings. It made me insanely angry.

In short, I saw my father's behavior and attitude as the problems, and I wanted to change them. I felt as if I should be able to help him -- to fix him and make him change. I felt responsible for improving him in order to improve our relationship.

When I finally realized that I could neither change nor control this man (nor anybody else, for that matter), I recognized the one thing I actually could change and control: I could change and control my response to him.

And that changed everything.

I consciously decided that the things my father did that made me angry were not going to make me angry anymore. I decided to view those same behaviors as his "funny, quirky qualities." And I chose to laugh at them instead of getting all steamed up.

Well, guess what: It worked. And it was remarkably easy.

Whenever I would feel myself starting to tense up around my father, I would remember the choice I had made and I would smile to myself.

Making this kind of choice is exactly how we take back our power: While the outside stimulus has remained the same, we’ve changed our response to it.

We have taken responsibility in the Deepak Chopra sense of the word.

We haven't taken responsibility for changing a person, nor for trying to fix that person.

Instead, we have taken responsibility for our own feelings and our own mental health. We've taken response-ability.

Taking response-ability is a major step along the path to self-empowerment, and it's a huge leap forward toward genuine, lifelong happiness.

Theme & Variation: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Do you have a recurring theme in your life? If you can’t think of one, ask a good friend to point one out for you. I’m sure there’s something that keeps coming up over and over again.

Of course, your pattern may seem so normal that you don’t even recognize it as anything out of the ordinary. You may assume this sort of thing happens to everyone -- and that everyone reacts in exactly the same way you do. (That’s why working with a coach can be so helpful!)

Why even bother looking for your recurring themes? Because they typically are perfect opportunities for you to choose to respond differently. When you do, you’ll be able to see, close up, what a big difference your response to a given situation makes. 

For example, a wonderful woman I know recently revealed an interesting -- and pretty common -- pattern: She hates it when people speak disrespectfully to her.

For example, one of the people she supervises at work had been speaking disrespectfully to her, so she pulled him aside for a little chat that began, “Don’t you ever talk to me that way again...”

She had a similar experience while helping a friend set up for a big event. The guy who was running the show was speaking disrespectfully not just to the woman I know, but to all of the vendors who had paid to be a part of the event. This woman simply wasn’t going to tolerate the guy’s disrespectful behavior. She gave him a real earful.

This woman also attracted a similar “don’t take that tone with me” experience with her teenage daughter recently.

The beauty of this pattern is that it’s relatively easy to change.

Until now, this woman, like many people, has chosen to speak up for herself and tell the other person that his or her behavior is inappropriate. Many self-help experts recommend this course of action. And there’s no right or wrong way to react here.

But the thing is: We can’t change other people -- not our children, not our employees and certainly not people who’ve made a lifetime career out of being a jerk.

But there is one thing we can change: We can change our reaction to them. 

The goal in this sort of situation -- and in all situations, really -- is to love yourself. When you feel grounded and centered in self-love, you no longer “need” the respect (or approval or recognition or what-have-you) of other people. And when you don’t need anything from others, you are truly self-empowered.

So how would this woman react differently if she didn’t feel as if she needed other people’s respect? She certainly wouldn’t demand respect from them.

Instead, she could turn the other cheek. That is, she could see the “offending” person as doing the best he or she is able to do at the moment. She could choose not to react, but instead let the offending comment or attitude slide. In other words, she could rise above the circumstances. 

Now, respect is a hot-button issue for this woman. So it may take two or three or four tries for her to really rise above this sort of situation and not have a knee-jerk reaction to the “provocation.”

But it’s worth the effort, because each time she notices what’s happening and sees it as nothing more than a pattern that keeps repeating, she is taking back some of her personal power. She’s recognizing that how she reacts -- and how she feels in any and all situations -- is her choice, not something that’s dictated by external circumstances. And that truly is what self-love and self-empowerment is all about.

Can-Do New Year’s Resolutions

A friend of mine posted something truly thought-provoking on Facebook today. She wrote: 

This year I’m making New Year’s resolutions I know I can keep:

• Gain 10 pounds
• Watch more TV 
• Spend less time with the kids
• Get further into debt 

If for some weird reason I can't keep them, at least I won’t feel like a loser when I fail. It’s pretty much a win-win situation.

When I read this post, I laughed, and then it got me thinking. 

Typically, people set unrealistic New Year’s Resolutions—resolutions that are more like punishments, really. They look at themselves, focus on what they don’t want, and then make a resolution that, essentially, pushes really hard against that Don’t Want.

And then they wonder why they don’t stick with that resolution. Or why they wind up doing just the opposite—like gaining 10 pounds instead of losing 10 pounds, or going further into debt instead of paying off their credit cards.

Why do you suppose that is?

Well, if you’ve heard much about the Law of Attraction, then you know that you get what you think about. And if you’re busy thinking about being overweight or in debt, you will—by law—get more of that.

So rather than try and change the things we don’t like about ourselves this year, why don’t we try a new kind of New Year’s Resolution? Let’s take a cue from my Facebook friend and choose resolutions that feel easy to keep.

In fact, why don’t we focus on one or two (or five or 10) things we really like about ourselves, and choose to be or do more of that in the New Year?

For instance, I like the fact that I’m a kind person. So one of my New Year’s resolutions is: Be kind.

I like the fact that I’m happy and upbeat most of the time. So I choose, in 2011, to: Be happy and upbeat.

I like that I’ve been doing work I really enjoy. So, next year, I resolve to: Do work I really enjoy.

Wow. I feel great about my New Year’s resolutions. I feel confident I can keep them, because I really, really want to keep them—and I have complete faith that I’m capable of keeping them. 

Best of all, they truly will make next year even better than 2010.

If you like this idea, try it out and let me know what you choose for your can-do New Year’s resolutions. 

In the meantime, Happy New Year! May this be the beginning of your best year yet.

The Turnaround

The other day, a dear friend really wanted to vent. But she’s been studying the Law of Attraction, so she knew she didn’t want to put a whole lot of focus on what she doesn’t want. Yet she was still sorely tempted to rant in the form of a Top 5 list. 

She asked for advice.

I suggested that she do a sort of turnaround: Write down the Top 5 things she was tempted to rant about. Acknowledge them. Then put them to their true use, which is both valuable and powerful: Recognize that each of these things is something she doesn’t want. Then turn each one around by writing next to it what it is that she really does want.

This is a great technique to use whenever you find yourself seduced by—that is, focused powerfully, perhaps even feeling stuck on—a “problem,” an “issue,” a “concern” or some other Don’t Want.

So, how do you do a turnaround? In many cases, it will be different for each person. 

Let’s say your powerful Don’t Want is to be stuck in horrendous traffic on the way home from work. 

There are lots of potential turnarounds, such as:  

• I Do Want to enjoy the alone time on my commute by listening to educational or inspiring CDs or by singing along to great music.
• I Do Want to enjoy ease and flow on my commute and feel inspired to leave work at just the right time.
• I Do Want to enjoy work that I can do from home (thereby letting go of the commute entirely).

I’m sure you can think of plenty of other Do Wants, some of which would really please you, and some not as much. The key is to choose a Do Want that feels really powerful to you. 

In the case of my dear friend, one of her Top 5 Don’t Wants was: Being my own worst enemy. How would you turn that around? 

How about:  

• I Do Want to be my own best friend.
• I Do Want to be my own biggest fan.
• I Do Want to allow myself to succeed.
• I Do Want to believe in myself.
• I Do Want to recognize my own value and worthiness.

Does one of these ring true for you? Or can you come up with a turnaround that feels even better?

I think this is a really fun technique, and I’d love to hear how it works for you. The next time you find yourself in the mood to rant, vent or otherwise focus powerfully on something you don’t want, try doing the turnaround. Then focus just as powerfully on whatever it is you do want, and watch your mood—and your life—improve.