Telling Remarks
Monday, April 26, 2010 at 2:29PM Do you tend to make comments that uplift people? Or do you tend to make comments that diminish people?
I was having dinner with a friend the other night, and he said something very interesting. I mentioned that I had studied Spanish for seven years in school, and he said, “Seven years? That makes you,” and then he paused and said, “qualified to be a dishwasher.”
I think it may actually make me qualified to teach Spanish, if I were to take a couple teaching courses to supplement all that education. But that’s not the point.
The point is the tone of his remark. Clearly, it was not meant to feel uplifting. It was not a “wow, good for you” kind of comment. It was closer to the demoralizing, demeaning, diminishing end of the spectrum.
Of course, his comments (and anyone else’s comments) don’t have to “make” me feel any particular way. I get to choose how I respond to other people and their remarks. In this case, I didn’t feel upset or diminished. But I did feel surprised.
I was surprised because it was such a telling remark — not about me or where I’m at, but about him and where he’s coming from right now.
I’m not saying that he’s a bad person or a bad friend. I don’t have any judgment about the comment in that sort of way.
Actually, I value the comment for what it was: an indication that he doesn’t feel very powerful right now.
People who feel genuinely powerful (as opposed to bullies or those who have amassed power as a way to control others) have a natural tendency to empower those around them. Think Gandhi or Mother Teresa, though you and I can get there, too. People who truly feel and know their own power find it easy to see other people’s power and to empower them, effortlessly, spontaneously, even unknowingly.
In contrast, my friend’s comment is a sign that he’s coming from a not-so-powerful place, perhaps even somewhere in the neighborhood of powerlessness. And when people feel powerless or weak, they are not naturally inclined — and probably not even able — to empower others. It’s like love or money: You can’t give someone something that you don’t have yourself.
Rather than judge my friend for his rather harsh remark, I actually have a lot of compassion for him. I know he has felt powerful in the past, and I would love for him to feel powerful again.
Just for fun, you might want to pay attention to the casual comments you make — and hear — throughout the day. If you keep an open mind and a gentle heart, I bet you’ll find quite a bit of insight along the way.
Reader Comments (5)
When I first read this post I had two thoughts. If this person is a true friend, it's unlikely that he was deliberately trying to demean you (friends don't do that). It's possible, rather, that he was trying to make a bad joke or expressing his frustration with current events (e.g. - the illegal immigrant issue). If I'm mistaken, you can always tell him to "Siéntese sobre un nopal!" next time you see him. ; )
I was wondering where you were going to go with this one... I like it. I hadn't thought to use a comment like that to consider the person is feeling powerless. It is a nice insight and another response I can choose.
It used to be considered chic, smart, sophisticated to use sarcasm as a way of communicating. And, I'm sure it was intended as a put down, just as your friend's remark strikes me now. I used sarcasm myself, to be one of the crowd, until a friend said, "It doesn't become you, Sandy. Choose more wisely in your words and tone of voice. You'll see a huge difference in the replies." What a wise friend. Today I bristle at comebacks framed in a sarcastic tone, and, wonder why this person feels it necessary to be so abrasive. Love, Sandy
I see two things. One is that your friend may be intimidated by your wisdom, and trying to respond with a remark that directs away from that (unfortunately, embarrassing himself in the process.) Two... I sense that the off-handed comment did sting about, while writing about it in the third person, you still directed people to that response hoping for acknowledgement/support. As humans, that is something we all desire more than anything else in life, something we feel is dear to feed our souls. Remember, words are just that... "words." (Of course, if we can only convince ourselves just that!)
I enjoyed your post and the comments made by your readers. My first thought was that kind of remark is the stuff we often make allowances for in a "yeah, but" sort of way. Yeah but he didn't mean it, Yeah but he has issues too. You didn't go there and were able to stand in your own power...good for you. It's easy to wonder if maybe we're too sensitive and are at fault with feeling unsettled from our conversations with others...the bottom line is sometimes we need to limit our exposure to those that leave us feeling icky...sometimes we can see it for what it is, accept it and move on, and sometimes we miss the opportunity to grow altogether. Great food for thought as usual Sue