Theme & Variation: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Do you have a recurring theme in your life? If you can’t think of one, ask a good friend to point one out for you. I’m sure there’s something that keeps coming up over and over again.

Of course, your pattern may seem so normal that you don’t even recognize it as anything out of the ordinary. You may assume this sort of thing happens to everyone -- and that everyone reacts in exactly the same way you do. (That’s why working with a coach can be so helpful!)

Why even bother looking for your recurring themes? Because they typically are perfect opportunities for you to choose to respond differently. When you do, you’ll be able to see, close up, what a big difference your response to a given situation makes. 

For example, a wonderful woman I know recently revealed an interesting -- and pretty common -- pattern: She hates it when people speak disrespectfully to her.

For example, one of the people she supervises at work had been speaking disrespectfully to her, so she pulled him aside for a little chat that began, “Don’t you ever talk to me that way again...”

She had a similar experience while helping a friend set up for a big event. The guy who was running the show was speaking disrespectfully not just to the woman I know, but to all of the vendors who had paid to be a part of the event. This woman simply wasn’t going to tolerate the guy’s disrespectful behavior. She gave him a real earful.

This woman also attracted a similar “don’t take that tone with me” experience with her teenage daughter recently.

The beauty of this pattern is that it’s relatively easy to change.

Until now, this woman, like many people, has chosen to speak up for herself and tell the other person that his or her behavior is inappropriate. Many self-help experts recommend this course of action. And there’s no right or wrong way to react here.

But the thing is: We can’t change other people -- not our children, not our employees and certainly not people who’ve made a lifetime career out of being a jerk.

But there is one thing we can change: We can change our reaction to them. 

The goal in this sort of situation -- and in all situations, really -- is to love yourself. When you feel grounded and centered in self-love, you no longer “need” the respect (or approval or recognition or what-have-you) of other people. And when you don’t need anything from others, you are truly self-empowered.

So how would this woman react differently if she didn’t feel as if she needed other people’s respect? She certainly wouldn’t demand respect from them.

Instead, she could turn the other cheek. That is, she could see the “offending” person as doing the best he or she is able to do at the moment. She could choose not to react, but instead let the offending comment or attitude slide. In other words, she could rise above the circumstances. 

Now, respect is a hot-button issue for this woman. So it may take two or three or four tries for her to really rise above this sort of situation and not have a knee-jerk reaction to the “provocation.”

But it’s worth the effort, because each time she notices what’s happening and sees it as nothing more than a pattern that keeps repeating, she is taking back some of her personal power. She’s recognizing that how she reacts -- and how she feels in any and all situations -- is her choice, not something that’s dictated by external circumstances. And that truly is what self-love and self-empowerment is all about.

Estranged vs. Tricky

To continue with yesterday’s theme, the first step toward changing any unwanted situation is softening the story you tell yourself about it.

Take a friend of mine who's going through a divorce. His 20-year-old daughter blames him and finds many ways to lash out in anger.

My friend can tell the story of this difficult time in their relationship in a lot of different ways — and those ways feel very different. 

For instance, he can tell a story that makes him feel angry at her for lashing out at him. 

He can tell a story that makes him feel disappointed because she doesn’t appreciate everything he’s done for her up to this point in her life, as well as what he continues to do for her (such as paying her college tuition). 

He can tell a story that makes him feel guilty for ending his marriage and therefore messing up his relationship with his daughter.

He can think of his daughter as estranged from him. He can feel rejected by her. He can call their relationship challenging or fractured, damaged or ruined.

Or ... he can tell a story that feels a little bit — or maybe even a lot — better. He can choose to shift his perspective about their relationship. 

In his case, the shift in perspective that made him actually laugh out loud (which clearly is an improvement) was when he thought of their relationship not as broken or troubled, but as tricky. 

Tricky feels lighter and easier than those other descriptions of his relationship with his daughter. Tricky also feels less permanent and certainly not ruined. After all, lots of things are tricky, but that doesn’t make them bad or impossible. Learning to ride a bike is tricky, and so is learning to do algebra, but they’re do-able. 

In short, the story my friend tells himself about this or any situation determines how he feels. My friend can tell a story that makes him feel angry or even outraged. He can tell a story that makes him feel rejected and punished. He can tell a story that makes him feel resentful. He can tell a story that makes him feel guilty and ashamed.

Or he can shift his perspective just a little bit and tell a story that feels softer, better, more hopeful. He can let this be a tricky situation.  

If you try this technique yourself, you can feel right away if a particular shift in perspective is good for you because it will trigger a feeling of relief. In my friend’s case, the benefit of this particular shift in perspective was obvious: He actually laughed out loud. 

And you can do the same. You can do it so that you’ll feel better in the moment, which is a good thing in its own right. And you also can use this technique so that you’ll soften, in a very literal sense. When you soften your perspective, you let go of defensiveness, hurt, blame, condemnation and the like. That’s when you’re able to come from — and literally live in — a more heart-centered place, and that changes everything.

Other People's Opinions

If you want to be truly happy, it helps to stop caring about other people’s opinions.

Say you start dating someone new. Many people will introduce this new lover to some of their friends so that they can get one or more “second opinions.”

Clearly, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to integrate your new lover into your life, and that would involve getting to know your friends. 

But seeking out other people’s opinions isn’t really helpful in evaluating whether or not you want to be with someone. You don’t need to know what they think. You need to know what you think. And even if your opinion isn’t totally conscious or clear, you still can feel it in your gut. 

On the other hand, listening to other people’s opinions can be hugely insightful — not in terms of how to live your life, but in terms of understanding where those other people are coming from.

For instance, a friend of mine recently met the new boyfriend of a woman we both know. When asked what she thought of the man, my friend said, “He seems respectful.”

Another friend described the same man as being very conscientious and attentive in making sure the woman’s needs were taken care of.

I found these comments very interesting. They were quite different from what I had been thinking about the same man. Not that the comments were untrue. 

Rather, they helped me realize just how much other people’s opinions are a reflection of what’s important to them. 

Take my friend who deemed the man “respectful.” She has been in some relationships where she felt enormously disrespected. So respect is very important to her. From her perspective, deeming someone respectful is a big deal. It’s both a serious compliment and a deal-breaker.

As for my other friend, well, she’s been in relationships in which she felt her needs were not considered important by her partner, if he even noticed them at all. So, in her case, it’s very important that a man notice and attend to a woman’s needs.

If you take a step back during your conversations in the next day or two and observe them, even as you’re participating in them, I suspect you’ll gain some interesting insights into the people you’re talking to. I suspect they’ll tell you — through their comments, opinions and observations — just what matters to them at this point in their lives.

These kinds of insights can really enhance your relationships, and ease some tension in challenging relationships, too.