Telling Remarks

Do you tend to make comments that uplift people? Or do you tend to make comments that diminish people?

I was having dinner with a friend the other night, and he said something very interesting. I mentioned that I had studied Spanish for seven years in school, and he said, “Seven years? That makes you,” and then he paused and said, “qualified to be a dishwasher.”

I think it may actually make me qualified to teach Spanish, if I were to take a couple teaching courses to supplement all that education. But that’s not the point.

The point is the tone of his remark. Clearly, it was not meant to feel uplifting. It was not a “wow, good for you” kind of comment. It was closer to the demoralizing, demeaning, diminishing end of the spectrum.

Of course, his comments (and anyone else’s comments) don’t have to “make” me feel any particular way. I get to choose how I respond to other people and their remarks. In this case, I didn’t feel upset or diminished. But I did feel surprised.

I was surprised because it was such a telling remark — not about me or where I’m at, but about him and where he’s coming from right now.

I’m not saying that he’s a bad person or a bad friend. I don’t have any judgment about the comment in that sort of way.

Actually, I value the comment for what it was: an indication that he doesn’t feel very powerful right now.

People who feel genuinely powerful (as opposed to bullies or those who have amassed power as a way to control others) have a natural tendency to empower those around them. Think Gandhi or Mother Teresa, though you and I can get there, too. People who truly feel and know their own power find it easy to see other people’s power and to empower them, effortlessly, spontaneously, even unknowingly.

In contrast, my friend’s comment is a sign that he’s coming from a not-so-powerful place, perhaps even somewhere in the neighborhood of powerlessness. And when people feel powerless or weak, they are not naturally inclined — and probably not even able — to empower others. It’s like love or money: You can’t give someone something that you don’t have yourself.

Rather than judge my friend for his rather harsh remark, I actually have a lot of compassion for him. I know he has felt powerful in the past, and I would love for him to feel powerful again.

Just for fun, you might want to pay attention to the casual comments you make — and hear — throughout the day. If you keep an open mind and a gentle heart, I bet you’ll find quite a bit of insight along the way.

Attack & Defend

I had the most interesting experience recently. I was having dinner with a friend of a friend. Every time I opened my mouth, he felt attacked, so he attacked back. He was amazingly prickly. It was kind of like dining with a frightened porcupine.

The more I tried to convince him that I was coming from a place of love and acceptance, the more he perceived me as being argumentative. And yet I kept feeling the need to explain and defend myself.

The whole experience was shocking for me. 

I realize that lots of people have totally disconnected, uncomfortable conversations like this all the time. But the Universe doesn’t line me up with these sorts of encounters anymore, so there had to be something else going on.

I was particularly struck by the fact that most people I meet — and I meet a lot of new people all the time — perceive me as friendly, kind, gentle, loving. 

This person perceived me as a fighter.

Of course, the way he perceived me had nothing to do with me. It was all about him and the filters through which he views his world. 

Our dinner experience was deeply revealing on two levels. First, it highlighted where he is in his life. It also shined a spotlight on my hot buttons — i.e., the places where I have some inner work to do.

After all, as far as my happiness is concerned, it doesn’t matter if a “friend once removed” likes me or doesn’t like me. It doesn’t matter if he understands me or doesn’t understand me. He can think whatever he thinks, and I can be happy. His thoughts don’t have to affect me in the slightest.

In fact, one of my primary goals right now is to stop caring what other people think about me. So, of course, a goal like that will attract experiences in which I can practice walking that walk.

I also realized how much energy this person was able to extract from me, as I tried to calm, soothe, nurture and comfort him, to reassure him he really was safe. It was a very interesting dynamic, one that obviously fed his high-energy personality and left me feeling totally drained.

Clearly, I must have been ready to learn that lesson, too: that I don’t have to be the source of energy for any other person. I can control when I flow energy and to whom and for how long. I don’t have to wait until I feel drained dry to stop “letting” it happen. I have control over my energy output.

Isn’t it fascinating how the Universe keeps lining us up with new and powerful teachers who are able to show us where our hot buttons are, so we can do the work and leap forward into a new and better place?

As a life coach, this encounter was particularly helpful, because once I disconnected from his game and stopped feeding this man energy, it was effortless to spot the patterns he’s got going on in his life and in his mind. He literally could change a couple of habits of thought and be dramatically and radically happier every day. 

I hope someday he’ll be ready to expend a little effort so that he may receive a huge return. I genuinely would like to see him happy. But our dinner together was a great reminder that I am not — and would never want to be — the vortex through which his happiness or energy flows.

Does either role in this conversation feel familiar to you? Do you identify with the attacking or defending position?

I’d love to read your reactions in the comments area. And if you’re ready, I’d be delighted to serve as your coach and help you release these kinds of patterns in your own life.

Criticism vs. Appreciation

Most of us have been trained to criticize. We look for what’s wrong. We spot the errors, the mistakes, the things that could have been better.

We even pay people to be critical. We have music critics, theater critics, movie critics, book critics, art critics, restaurant critics.

There’s just one problem with all that criticism: It feels lousy.

Being critical of others — and being critical of ourselves — is all about focusing on what we don’t like.

So, what’s the alternative?

Simple. It’s focusing on what we do like.

The opposite of criticism is appreciation.

The good news is being critical is nothing more than a habit. And it’s an easy one to break.

If you find yourself being critical and you want to feel better, all you have to do is stop and choose to be appreciative.

Instead of looking for things you don’t like — instead of looking for errors and mistakes and things that could be better — look for what you do like.

Look for things that are done well. Look for things that are thought-provoking, inspiring, clever, fun, funny, charming, cute, sexy, pleasurable, delicious, satisfying, thrilling and invigorating.

(You can see how that might feel better than looking for things that are weird, bad, icky or awful, right?!)