Attack & Defend

I had the most interesting experience recently. I was having dinner with a friend of a friend. Every time I opened my mouth, he felt attacked, so he attacked back. He was amazingly prickly. It was kind of like dining with a frightened porcupine.

The more I tried to convince him that I was coming from a place of love and acceptance, the more he perceived me as being argumentative. And yet I kept feeling the need to explain and defend myself.

The whole experience was shocking for me. 

I realize that lots of people have totally disconnected, uncomfortable conversations like this all the time. But the Universe doesn’t line me up with these sorts of encounters anymore, so there had to be something else going on.

I was particularly struck by the fact that most people I meet — and I meet a lot of new people all the time — perceive me as friendly, kind, gentle, loving. 

This person perceived me as a fighter.

Of course, the way he perceived me had nothing to do with me. It was all about him and the filters through which he views his world. 

Our dinner experience was deeply revealing on two levels. First, it highlighted where he is in his life. It also shined a spotlight on my hot buttons — i.e., the places where I have some inner work to do.

After all, as far as my happiness is concerned, it doesn’t matter if a “friend once removed” likes me or doesn’t like me. It doesn’t matter if he understands me or doesn’t understand me. He can think whatever he thinks, and I can be happy. His thoughts don’t have to affect me in the slightest.

In fact, one of my primary goals right now is to stop caring what other people think about me. So, of course, a goal like that will attract experiences in which I can practice walking that walk.

I also realized how much energy this person was able to extract from me, as I tried to calm, soothe, nurture and comfort him, to reassure him he really was safe. It was a very interesting dynamic, one that obviously fed his high-energy personality and left me feeling totally drained.

Clearly, I must have been ready to learn that lesson, too: that I don’t have to be the source of energy for any other person. I can control when I flow energy and to whom and for how long. I don’t have to wait until I feel drained dry to stop “letting” it happen. I have control over my energy output.

Isn’t it fascinating how the Universe keeps lining us up with new and powerful teachers who are able to show us where our hot buttons are, so we can do the work and leap forward into a new and better place?

As a life coach, this encounter was particularly helpful, because once I disconnected from his game and stopped feeding this man energy, it was effortless to spot the patterns he’s got going on in his life and in his mind. He literally could change a couple of habits of thought and be dramatically and radically happier every day. 

I hope someday he’ll be ready to expend a little effort so that he may receive a huge return. I genuinely would like to see him happy. But our dinner together was a great reminder that I am not — and would never want to be — the vortex through which his happiness or energy flows.

Does either role in this conversation feel familiar to you? Do you identify with the attacking or defending position?

I’d love to read your reactions in the comments area. And if you’re ready, I’d be delighted to serve as your coach and help you release these kinds of patterns in your own life.

Comments

[Zan Packard-The Adventurous Introvert]

Very interesting article, Sue. I too believe that what when we find our hot buttons being pushed that it is an opportunity to focus there for ourselves--it has everything to do with us and little to do with another.

I have found myself being almost militant lately rather than my usual supportive, calm, caring self. I appreciate this militancy right now because I am practicing being 'heard' and standing up for myself. It is my way of not allowing the world to typecast me as someone needing to do and be more, I believe it is like the pendulum swinging, and I will, in time, bring it down a notch. It is my way of growing.

Your post helps me realize that I cannot control how others interpret my actions and beliefs...they are working their own stuff, just as I am working mine. By letting go of that I am free to be....

[Mother of Sue Elliott, aka Sandy]

Dear Sue:
I feel quite unnerved, frazzled, shocked and almost wordless to respond when social situations turn into "attack and defend". And, I'm puzzled, as you were, why I feel forced to be on the defensive, or worse yet, the "smoother-over" person.
I actually hate these conversations. They stir up memories of my childhood and teenage years. Buttons I don't want pushed blare suddenly and I feel myself cringe at some. I come away thinking, "I don't ever want to be with this person again."
Then, I let my mind wander back to earlier situations like this one. Windows suddenly open for "Ah Ha" revelations. And, that brings me to "If I'd only realized that way back when........."
I am saying to one and all, "It's never too late to find the real you and love yourself for the wonderful, loving, caring, considerate, giving person you turned out to be......in spite of the past and it's negativities."
Love, Mom

[John McLaughlin]

Hi Sue,
I enjoy your thoughts and often reflect on them afterward. This post caught my attention because of one paragraph:

"Isn’t it fascinating how the Universe keeps lining us up with new and powerful teachers who are able to show us where our hot buttons are, so we can do the work and leap forward into a new and better place?"

I think you either don't give yourself enough credit, or way too much. I think you are the powerful teacher who recognizes the opportunity for a learning experience, then teaches yourself the solution to the challenge. Alternately, you are the Universe and are lining up these teaching opportunities to share with all of us.

Kidding aside, I am currently convinced we are all alone "on our little blue ball, falling around the sun", and there is no supernatural entity to guide us, or present us with learning experiences.

Glad we have you, and each other, to make the world go round.