Why isn’t Jenny satisfied? Well, the man she’s dating has experienced at least one prior relationship that was very painful -- so painful that he says he’s never going to let a woman “control” him again.
Hmm, sounds like he’s wounded, right? (Haven’t we all been wounded, to some degree or another? There are so few enlightened masters available for dating these days!)
Anyway, Jenny recognizes his woundedness, and she accepts it. Besides, she doesn’t want to control the guy. She simply enjoys his company and the company of his children.
And yet, Jenny has been tying herself into knots inside -- totally unnecessarily -- because of the way this man manifests his woundedness: For him, fear of being controlled by a woman translates into an unwillingness to “commit.”
So here was Jenny -- smart, beautiful, fit, sexy, fun to be around -- making herself miserable because she’d bought into a really common lie in our society. Let’s call it the Commitment Lie.
Jenny had bought into the story that relationship requires commitment, and she’d also bought into its corollary: If a man cares enough about you, he will commit.
Not surprisingly, this triggered all kinds of yucky-feeling stuff in Jenny -- all of which stemmed from other stories that are also lies. Among them, Jenny believed that if a guy wouldn’t commit to her, it meant that she wasn’t enough -- not good enough, not pretty enough, in some very vital way, not enough. If she were “enough,” then he’d commit.
Let’s take a look at this belief, shall we? Is it true that if Jenny were “enough,” then this guy would commit? Is there anything Jenny could have been “more of” that would have “made” this guy commit?
Of course not. His “inability” to commit has never been about Jenny. It’s about his previous relationship (or relationships) and the woundedness he’s still suffering from as a result of them. It’s not about Jenny.
Add that “not enough” story to the Commitment Lie -- the lie that relationship requires commitment -- and you get something that looks like this: Jenny believes that if she’s not in a “committed” relationship, then this guy might leave her at any moment -- just as soon as he meets another woman who’s sexier or more successful or more whatever.
Is that true? Does being in a committed relationship mean that a man won’t leave for another woman?
Hmm, let’s see... Have you ever met anyone who was in a committed relationship -- perhaps even married -- who had an affair? Who perhaps even walked out to be with that other person? In this day and age, I’m guessing we all have.
Clearly, commitment is no guarantee that someone will stay in a relationship, any more than “non-commitment” is a guarantee that someone will leave if anyone “better” comes along.
After we did just a few minutes of healing work to release the lies Jenny had been telling herself -- especially the way she had connected this man’s non-commitment (really, just his woundedness from a previous relationship) with her own fear of being dumped for someone better -- she was able to see how she had been holding herself back unnecessarily.
For two years, because Jenny has been afraid of getting hurt, she has not been allowing herself to totally enjoy her relationship and the time she spends with this guy. (I dare say she’s been hurting herself steadily throughout the relationship by buying into all these disempowering lies, but that wasn’t the kind of hurt we were talking about at the time...)
So I asked Jenny if she would be hurt if they broke up at this point, and she was quick to admit that she would.
If that’s the case and she’s going to be hurt if the relationship ends, regardless, then what does she have to lose by allowing herself to be fully IN this relationship?
Best as I can tell, the only thing she really has to lose is the joy of experiencing a loving, fun, connected relationship right here, right now.
]]>Your body is communicating with you all the time -- and not just about whether it's too hot or too cold, or whether it's hungry or full.
When we choose to listen, we can tune in to our body's own unique way of letting us know when a thought or comment "feels right" for us and when it "feels off."
Each of our bodies is in touch with an innate wisdom that is far more powerful than our mind's ability to think or reason. After all, we are spiritual beings having a human experience; we are, literally, Spirit embodied. Thankfully, our bodies remain able to tap into that knowingness that is our connected, tuned-in Spirit selves.
]]>I think this is a beautiful, mind-expanding way of saying "this or something better" (one of the most powerful endings you can add to any intention or prayer), not to mention an awesome way of looking at the powerful concept: "Let go and let God."
I love the distinction between goals and context. Goals often feel icky because they simply remind us of how "not there" we are right now.
Setting a context is nice and general. We focus on how we want to FEEL and how we want to BE in the world. We focus on what we want in broad, loose, easy-going terms.
Plus, in my experience, goals are usually too specific and too constraining. I may not be able to see the big picture, but the Universe certainly can, which means that whenever I set a context and let life unfold, it always unfolds better than I could possibly have expected or specifically requested!
]]>A lot of Law of Attraction, self-help and mainstream business experts recommend creating very specific goals for yourself, then transforming them into affirmations that are written as if your goal has already been achieved. For instance, "I have a successful coaching business that has netted me $1 million in 2012."
I've never felt comfortable with this type of goal-setting. Perhaps it's because these statements bring up an almost primal fear: a fear that I will be deeply disappointed -- even humiliated and ashamed -- if I get close to my self-imposed deadline and the affirmation doesn't look as if it can possibly come true. I have heard of people achieving these kinds of goals at the last possible second, but, personally, I have to expend a lot of energy to remain upbeat and optimistic while affirming these sorts of statements.
On the other hand, I've discovered a different kind of goal-setting that feels really good to me. Rather than creating goals that focus on what I want to achieve, I create goals that focus on how I want to be.
For instance, I want to be -- i.e., I want to feel -- kind, generous, relaxed, free, joyful and playful. These are the kinds of feelings I equate with having financial abundance. In fact, they're the very reason I want to have plenty of money.
While it feels icky to me to focus on the specifics of how much financial abundance I want to attract and how that money will come (e.g., $1 million via a coaching business), it feels really good to think about what I will do when I am being the way I want to be. For example, it feels wonderful when I envision myself treating friends to an amazing multi-course meal paired with fabulous wines at an acclaimed restaurant, or taking a loved one on a fantastic first-class vacation, or living in a wonderful, uplifting home that feels like a personal sanctuary.
In my experience, identifying how I want to feel is an uplifting, energizing, joyful way to go about setting goals and intentions for the New Year. Once I've identified those feelings, then I can relax and let the Universe sort out the details of how my goals will be achieved. After all, I know the Universe has my best interests at heart, and I know that it will provide plenty of inspiration -- amazing ideas that will feel great and that I will want to act upon -- to help me achieve the wonderful feeling states I desire.
In other words, I don't have to figure out all the "To Do's" to get to my desired being states. I don't have to make a list and chunk it down into ever smaller steps. I don't have to figure out the "cursed hows," as Mike Dooley calls them.
I just have to relax and, as much as possible, feel the way I want to feel. Then the Universe will deliver more circumstances and events that match those feeling states, and I will enjoying taking inspired action all along the way.
]]>We feel responsible for fixing, changing, helping, saving, solving. We feel responsible for hundreds, if not thousands, of things that are outside of our own personal control.
All of this responsibility can feel like a huge, smothering weight.
Not surprisingly, many people feel crushed -- in spirit, and even physically -- by all of this pressure.
But there's another way to look at responsibility, a way that will not only provide instant relief, it will help you feel more in control of your life.
As Deepak Chopra says in The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, "Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself. Having accepted this circumstance, this event, this problem, responsibility then means the ability to have a creative response to the situation as it is now."
In other words, your true responsibility is your "response-ability."
Once you come to understand that, you've got the keys to the kingdom!
Here's an example: Several years ago, I was having a hard time dealing with my father. He made me really mad.
We could spend four hours together, and sometime near the end of those four hours, he might think to ask how I was doing. The rest of the time, he'd talk pretty much non-stop. And if I tried to participate in the conversation, he would shush me and tell me not to interrupt.
That drove me crazy. It hurt my feelings. It made me insanely angry.
In short, I saw my father's behavior and attitude as the problems, and I wanted to change them. I felt as if I should be able to help him -- to fix him and make him change. I felt responsible for improving him in order to improve our relationship.
When I finally realized that I could neither change nor control this man (nor anybody else, for that matter), I recognized the one thing I actually could change and control: I could change and control my response to him.
And that changed everything.
I consciously decided that the things my father did that made me angry were not going to make me angry anymore. I decided to view those same behaviors as his "funny, quirky qualities." And I chose to laugh at them instead of getting all steamed up.
Well, guess what: It worked. And it was remarkably easy.
Whenever I would feel myself starting to tense up around my father, I would remember the choice I had made and I would smile to myself.
Making this kind of choice is exactly how we take back our power: While the outside stimulus has remained the same, we’ve changed our response to it.
We have taken responsibility in the Deepak Chopra sense of the word.
We haven't taken responsibility for changing a person, nor for trying to fix that person.
Instead, we have taken responsibility for our own feelings and our own mental health. We've taken response-ability.
Taking response-ability is a major step along the path to self-empowerment, and it's a huge leap forward toward genuine, lifelong happiness.
]]>Of course, your pattern may seem so normal that you don’t even recognize it as anything out of the ordinary. You may assume this sort of thing happens to everyone -- and that everyone reacts in exactly the same way you do. (That’s why working with a coach can be so helpful!)
Why even bother looking for your recurring themes? Because they typically are perfect opportunities for you to choose to respond differently. When you do, you’ll be able to see, close up, what a big difference your response to a given situation makes.
For example, a wonderful woman I know recently revealed an interesting -- and pretty common -- pattern: She hates it when people speak disrespectfully to her.
For example, one of the people she supervises at work had been speaking disrespectfully to her, so she pulled him aside for a little chat that began, “Don’t you ever talk to me that way again...”
She had a similar experience while helping a friend set up for a big event. The guy who was running the show was speaking disrespectfully not just to the woman I know, but to all of the vendors who had paid to be a part of the event. This woman simply wasn’t going to tolerate the guy’s disrespectful behavior. She gave him a real earful.
This woman also attracted a similar “don’t take that tone with me” experience with her teenage daughter recently.
The beauty of this pattern is that it’s relatively easy to change.
Until now, this woman, like many people, has chosen to speak up for herself and tell the other person that his or her behavior is inappropriate. Many self-help experts recommend this course of action. And there’s no right or wrong way to react here.
But the thing is: We can’t change other people -- not our children, not our employees and certainly not people who’ve made a lifetime career out of being a jerk.
But there is one thing we can change: We can change our reaction to them.
The goal in this sort of situation -- and in all situations, really -- is to love yourself. When you feel grounded and centered in self-love, you no longer “need” the respect (or approval or recognition or what-have-you) of other people. And when you don’t need anything from others, you are truly self-empowered.
So how would this woman react differently if she didn’t feel as if she needed other people’s respect? She certainly wouldn’t demand respect from them.
Instead, she could turn the other cheek. That is, she could see the “offending” person as doing the best he or she is able to do at the moment. She could choose not to react, but instead let the offending comment or attitude slide. In other words, she could rise above the circumstances.
Now, respect is a hot-button issue for this woman. So it may take two or three or four tries for her to really rise above this sort of situation and not have a knee-jerk reaction to the “provocation.”
But it’s worth the effort, because each time she notices what’s happening and sees it as nothing more than a pattern that keeps repeating, she is taking back some of her personal power. She’s recognizing that how she reacts -- and how she feels in any and all situations -- is her choice, not something that’s dictated by external circumstances. And that truly is what self-love and self-empowerment is all about.
]]>This year I’m making New Year’s resolutions I know I can keep:
If for some weird reason I can't keep them, at least I won’t feel like a loser when I fail. It’s pretty much a win-win situation.
When I read this post, I laughed, and then it got me thinking.
Typically, people set unrealistic New Year’s Resolutions—resolutions that are more like punishments, really. They look at themselves, focus on what they don’t want, and then make a resolution that, essentially, pushes really hard against that Don’t Want.
And then they wonder why they don’t stick with that resolution. Or why they wind up doing just the opposite—like gaining 10 pounds instead of losing 10 pounds, or going further into debt instead of paying off their credit cards.
Why do you suppose that is?
Well, if you’ve heard much about the Law of Attraction, then you know that you get what you think about. And if you’re busy thinking about being overweight or in debt, you will—by law—get more of that.
So rather than try and change the things we don’t like about ourselves this year, why don’t we try a new kind of New Year’s Resolution? Let’s take a cue from my Facebook friend and choose resolutions that feel easy to keep.
In fact, why don’t we focus on one or two (or five or 10) things we really like about ourselves, and choose to be or do more of that in the New Year?
For instance, I like the fact that I’m a kind person. So one of my New Year’s resolutions is: Be kind.
I like the fact that I’m happy and upbeat most of the time. So I choose, in 2011, to: Be happy and upbeat.
I like that I’ve been doing work I really enjoy. So, next year, I resolve to: Do work I really enjoy.
Wow. I feel great about my New Year’s resolutions. I feel confident I can keep them, because I really, really want to keep them—and I have complete faith that I’m capable of keeping them.
Best of all, they truly will make next year even better than 2010.
If you like this idea, try it out and let me know what you choose for your can-do New Year’s resolutions.
In the meantime, Happy New Year! May this be the beginning of your best year yet.
]]>She asked for advice.
I suggested that she do a sort of turnaround: Write down the Top 5 things she was tempted to rant about. Acknowledge them. Then put them to their true use, which is both valuable and powerful: Recognize that each of these things is something she doesn’t want. Then turn each one around by writing next to it what it is that she really does want.
This is a great technique to use whenever you find yourself seduced by—that is, focused powerfully, perhaps even feeling stuck on—a “problem,” an “issue,” a “concern” or some other Don’t Want.
So, how do you do a turnaround? In many cases, it will be different for each person.
Let’s say your powerful Don’t Want is to be stuck in horrendous traffic on the way home from work.
There are lots of potential turnarounds, such as:
I’m sure you can think of plenty of other Do Wants, some of which would really please you, and some not as much. The key is to choose a Do Want that feels really powerful to you.
In the case of my dear friend, one of her Top 5 Don’t Wants was: Being my own worst enemy. How would you turn that around?
How about:
Does one of these ring true for you? Or can you come up with a turnaround that feels even better?
I think this is a really fun technique, and I’d love to hear how it works for you. The next time you find yourself in the mood to rant, vent or otherwise focus powerfully on something you don’t want, try doing the turnaround. Then focus just as powerfully on whatever it is you do want, and watch your mood—and your life—improve.
]]>Lunch with my ex-boyfriend recently was one of those times.
As I mentioned the other day, he called me “thrifty,” which triggered a serious response in me. I was offended—something that rarely happens anymore, so I knew this was a significant moment.
The question I pondered was: Why? Why did being called thrifty offend me?
And then it came to me: I was raised in a family that honored generosity and charity and kindness. Being cheap was considered a terrible character flaw and a kind of meanness.
And so here was this person who I thought knew me pretty well calling me thrifty, which I instantly equated with cheap.
I probably should mention that I was raised in the Jewish religion, and there’s a certain stereotype about Jews being stingy that was anathema to my family. You could even say we prided ourselves on not being cheap or stingy or even thrifty.
This ex-boyfriend was just the opposite. He prided himself on being thrifty, and I couldn’t understand it.
In fact, in many ways, I took it as a personal affront. My attitude was: What do you mean you think I’m too expensive? Don’t you want to honor me and show me that you love and cherish me by paying what I think is acceptable for meals and by tipping generously?
Until this recent lunch, I truly did not understand that he was acting from his own set of values, which just so happened to be different from my set of values. But that doesn’t make them wrong, and it was absolutely no reflection on how he felt about me. He just didn’t want to change who he was and what he thought was important to be with me—and I certainly wouldn’t want him to change in those fundamental ways just to please me.
Of course, I also was not going to change in those fundamental ways, so we simply were not a good match. But again, that doesn’t make either one of us wrong or bad.
I finally realized that he thought he was paying me a compliment when he called me thrifty, because he values that quality immensely.
Obviously, I don’t value that quality in the same way that he does, which is fine, but I had been judging him for being thrifty. I had been prejudiced against his belief system. And I am very grateful for the chance to recognize that prejudice and judgment, and to now see this situation, this relationship and this man very, very differently. What a relief!
]]>Take a friend of mine who's going through a divorce. His 20-year-old daughter blames him and finds many ways to lash out in anger.
My friend can tell the story of this difficult time in their relationship in a lot of different ways — and those ways feel very different.
For instance, he can tell a story that makes him feel angry at her for lashing out at him.
He can tell a story that makes him feel disappointed because she doesn’t appreciate everything he’s done for her up to this point in her life, as well as what he continues to do for her (such as paying her college tuition).
He can tell a story that makes him feel guilty for ending his marriage and therefore messing up his relationship with his daughter.
He can think of his daughter as estranged from him. He can feel rejected by her. He can call their relationship challenging or fractured, damaged or ruined.
Or ... he can tell a story that feels a little bit — or maybe even a lot — better. He can choose to shift his perspective about their relationship.
In his case, the shift in perspective that made him actually laugh out loud (which clearly is an improvement) was when he thought of their relationship not as broken or troubled, but as tricky.
Tricky feels lighter and easier than those other descriptions of his relationship with his daughter. Tricky also feels less permanent and certainly not ruined. After all, lots of things are tricky, but that doesn’t make them bad or impossible. Learning to ride a bike is tricky, and so is learning to do algebra, but they’re do-able.
In short, the story my friend tells himself about this or any situation determines how he feels. My friend can tell a story that makes him feel angry or even outraged. He can tell a story that makes him feel rejected and punished. He can tell a story that makes him feel resentful. He can tell a story that makes him feel guilty and ashamed.
Or he can shift his perspective just a little bit and tell a story that feels softer, better, more hopeful. He can let this be a tricky situation.
If you try this technique yourself, you can feel right away if a particular shift in perspective is good for you because it will trigger a feeling of relief. In my friend’s case, the benefit of this particular shift in perspective was obvious: He actually laughed out loud.
And you can do the same. You can do it so that you’ll feel better in the moment, which is a good thing in its own right. And you also can use this technique so that you’ll soften, in a very literal sense. When you soften your perspective, you let go of defensiveness, hurt, blame, condemnation and the like. That’s when you’re able to come from — and literally live in — a more heart-centered place, and that changes everything.
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