A lot of Law of Attraction, self-help and mainstream business experts recommend creating very specific goals for yourself, then transforming them into affirmations that are written as if your goal has already been achieved. For instance, "I have a successful coaching business that has netted me $1 million in 2012."
I've never felt comfortable with this type of goal-setting. Perhaps it's because these statements bring up an almost primal fear: a fear that I will be deeply disappointed -- even humiliated and ashamed -- if I get close to my self-imposed deadline and the affirmation doesn't look as if it can possibly come true. I have heard of people achieving these kinds of goals at the last possible second, but, personally, I have to expend a lot of energy to remain upbeat and optimistic while affirming these sorts of statements.
On the other hand, I've discovered a different kind of goal-setting that feels really good to me. Rather than creating goals that focus on what I want to achieve, I create goals that focus on how I want to be.
For instance, I want to be -- i.e., I want to feel -- kind, generous, relaxed, free, joyful and playful. These are the kinds of feelings I equate with having financial abundance. In fact, they're the very reason I want to have plenty of money.
While it feels icky to me to focus on the specifics of how much financial abundance I want to attract and how that money will come (e.g., $1 million via a coaching business), it feels really good to think about what I will do when I am being the way I want to be. For example, it feels wonderful when I envision myself treating friends to an amazing multi-course meal paired with fabulous wines at an acclaimed restaurant, or taking a loved one on a fantastic first-class vacation, or living in a wonderful, uplifting home that feels like a personal sanctuary.
In my experience, identifying how I want to feel is an uplifting, energizing, joyful way to go about setting goals and intentions for the New Year. Once I've identified those feelings, then I can relax and let the Universe sort out the details of how my goals will be achieved. After all, I know the Universe has my best interests at heart, and I know that it will provide plenty of inspiration -- amazing ideas that will feel great and that I will want to act upon -- to help me achieve the wonderful feeling states I desire.
In other words, I don't have to figure out all the "To Do's" to get to my desired being states. I don't have to make a list and chunk it down into ever smaller steps. I don't have to figure out the "cursed hows," as Mike Dooley calls them.
I just have to relax and, as much as possible, feel the way I want to feel. Then the Universe will deliver more circumstances and events that match those feeling states, and I will enjoying taking inspired action all along the way.
]]>We feel responsible for fixing, changing, helping, saving, solving. We feel responsible for hundreds, if not thousands, of things that are outside of our own personal control.
All of this responsibility can feel like a huge, smothering weight.
Not surprisingly, many people feel crushed -- in spirit, and even physically -- by all of this pressure.
But there's another way to look at responsibility, a way that will not only provide instant relief, it will help you feel more in control of your life.
As Deepak Chopra says in The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, "Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself. Having accepted this circumstance, this event, this problem, responsibility then means the ability to have a creative response to the situation as it is now."
In other words, your true responsibility is your "response-ability."
Once you come to understand that, you've got the keys to the kingdom!
Here's an example: Several years ago, I was having a hard time dealing with my father. He made me really mad.
We could spend four hours together, and sometime near the end of those four hours, he might think to ask how I was doing. The rest of the time, he'd talk pretty much non-stop. And if I tried to participate in the conversation, he would shush me and tell me not to interrupt.
That drove me crazy. It hurt my feelings. It made me insanely angry.
In short, I saw my father's behavior and attitude as the problems, and I wanted to change them. I felt as if I should be able to help him -- to fix him and make him change. I felt responsible for improving him in order to improve our relationship.
When I finally realized that I could neither change nor control this man (nor anybody else, for that matter), I recognized the one thing I actually could change and control: I could change and control my response to him.
And that changed everything.
I consciously decided that the things my father did that made me angry were not going to make me angry anymore. I decided to view those same behaviors as his "funny, quirky qualities." And I chose to laugh at them instead of getting all steamed up.
Well, guess what: It worked. And it was remarkably easy.
Whenever I would feel myself starting to tense up around my father, I would remember the choice I had made and I would smile to myself.
Making this kind of choice is exactly how we take back our power: While the outside stimulus has remained the same, we’ve changed our response to it.
We have taken responsibility in the Deepak Chopra sense of the word.
We haven't taken responsibility for changing a person, nor for trying to fix that person.
Instead, we have taken responsibility for our own feelings and our own mental health. We've taken response-ability.
Taking response-ability is a major step along the path to self-empowerment, and it's a huge leap forward toward genuine, lifelong happiness.
]]>Of course, your pattern may seem so normal that you don’t even recognize it as anything out of the ordinary. You may assume this sort of thing happens to everyone -- and that everyone reacts in exactly the same way you do. (That’s why working with a coach can be so helpful!)
Why even bother looking for your recurring themes? Because they typically are perfect opportunities for you to choose to respond differently. When you do, you’ll be able to see, close up, what a big difference your response to a given situation makes.
For example, a wonderful woman I know recently revealed an interesting -- and pretty common -- pattern: She hates it when people speak disrespectfully to her.
For example, one of the people she supervises at work had been speaking disrespectfully to her, so she pulled him aside for a little chat that began, “Don’t you ever talk to me that way again...”
She had a similar experience while helping a friend set up for a big event. The guy who was running the show was speaking disrespectfully not just to the woman I know, but to all of the vendors who had paid to be a part of the event. This woman simply wasn’t going to tolerate the guy’s disrespectful behavior. She gave him a real earful.
This woman also attracted a similar “don’t take that tone with me” experience with her teenage daughter recently.
The beauty of this pattern is that it’s relatively easy to change.
Until now, this woman, like many people, has chosen to speak up for herself and tell the other person that his or her behavior is inappropriate. Many self-help experts recommend this course of action. And there’s no right or wrong way to react here.
But the thing is: We can’t change other people -- not our children, not our employees and certainly not people who’ve made a lifetime career out of being a jerk.
But there is one thing we can change: We can change our reaction to them.
The goal in this sort of situation -- and in all situations, really -- is to love yourself. When you feel grounded and centered in self-love, you no longer “need” the respect (or approval or recognition or what-have-you) of other people. And when you don’t need anything from others, you are truly self-empowered.
So how would this woman react differently if she didn’t feel as if she needed other people’s respect? She certainly wouldn’t demand respect from them.
Instead, she could turn the other cheek. That is, she could see the “offending” person as doing the best he or she is able to do at the moment. She could choose not to react, but instead let the offending comment or attitude slide. In other words, she could rise above the circumstances.
Now, respect is a hot-button issue for this woman. So it may take two or three or four tries for her to really rise above this sort of situation and not have a knee-jerk reaction to the “provocation.”
But it’s worth the effort, because each time she notices what’s happening and sees it as nothing more than a pattern that keeps repeating, she is taking back some of her personal power. She’s recognizing that how she reacts -- and how she feels in any and all situations -- is her choice, not something that’s dictated by external circumstances. And that truly is what self-love and self-empowerment is all about.
]]>This year I’m making New Year’s resolutions I know I can keep:
If for some weird reason I can't keep them, at least I won’t feel like a loser when I fail. It’s pretty much a win-win situation.
When I read this post, I laughed, and then it got me thinking.
Typically, people set unrealistic New Year’s Resolutions—resolutions that are more like punishments, really. They look at themselves, focus on what they don’t want, and then make a resolution that, essentially, pushes really hard against that Don’t Want.
And then they wonder why they don’t stick with that resolution. Or why they wind up doing just the opposite—like gaining 10 pounds instead of losing 10 pounds, or going further into debt instead of paying off their credit cards.
Why do you suppose that is?
Well, if you’ve heard much about the Law of Attraction, then you know that you get what you think about. And if you’re busy thinking about being overweight or in debt, you will—by law—get more of that.
So rather than try and change the things we don’t like about ourselves this year, why don’t we try a new kind of New Year’s Resolution? Let’s take a cue from my Facebook friend and choose resolutions that feel easy to keep.
In fact, why don’t we focus on one or two (or five or 10) things we really like about ourselves, and choose to be or do more of that in the New Year?
For instance, I like the fact that I’m a kind person. So one of my New Year’s resolutions is: Be kind.
I like the fact that I’m happy and upbeat most of the time. So I choose, in 2011, to: Be happy and upbeat.
I like that I’ve been doing work I really enjoy. So, next year, I resolve to: Do work I really enjoy.
Wow. I feel great about my New Year’s resolutions. I feel confident I can keep them, because I really, really want to keep them—and I have complete faith that I’m capable of keeping them.
Best of all, they truly will make next year even better than 2010.
If you like this idea, try it out and let me know what you choose for your can-do New Year’s resolutions.
In the meantime, Happy New Year! May this be the beginning of your best year yet.
]]>She asked for advice.
I suggested that she do a sort of turnaround: Write down the Top 5 things she was tempted to rant about. Acknowledge them. Then put them to their true use, which is both valuable and powerful: Recognize that each of these things is something she doesn’t want. Then turn each one around by writing next to it what it is that she really does want.
This is a great technique to use whenever you find yourself seduced by—that is, focused powerfully, perhaps even feeling stuck on—a “problem,” an “issue,” a “concern” or some other Don’t Want.
So, how do you do a turnaround? In many cases, it will be different for each person.
Let’s say your powerful Don’t Want is to be stuck in horrendous traffic on the way home from work.
There are lots of potential turnarounds, such as:
I’m sure you can think of plenty of other Do Wants, some of which would really please you, and some not as much. The key is to choose a Do Want that feels really powerful to you.
In the case of my dear friend, one of her Top 5 Don’t Wants was: Being my own worst enemy. How would you turn that around?
How about:
Does one of these ring true for you? Or can you come up with a turnaround that feels even better?
I think this is a really fun technique, and I’d love to hear how it works for you. The next time you find yourself in the mood to rant, vent or otherwise focus powerfully on something you don’t want, try doing the turnaround. Then focus just as powerfully on whatever it is you do want, and watch your mood—and your life—improve.
]]>Lunch with my ex-boyfriend recently was one of those times.
As I mentioned the other day, he called me “thrifty,” which triggered a serious response in me. I was offended—something that rarely happens anymore, so I knew this was a significant moment.
The question I pondered was: Why? Why did being called thrifty offend me?
And then it came to me: I was raised in a family that honored generosity and charity and kindness. Being cheap was considered a terrible character flaw and a kind of meanness.
And so here was this person who I thought knew me pretty well calling me thrifty, which I instantly equated with cheap.
I probably should mention that I was raised in the Jewish religion, and there’s a certain stereotype about Jews being stingy that was anathema to my family. You could even say we prided ourselves on not being cheap or stingy or even thrifty.
This ex-boyfriend was just the opposite. He prided himself on being thrifty, and I couldn’t understand it.
In fact, in many ways, I took it as a personal affront. My attitude was: What do you mean you think I’m too expensive? Don’t you want to honor me and show me that you love and cherish me by paying what I think is acceptable for meals and by tipping generously?
Until this recent lunch, I truly did not understand that he was acting from his own set of values, which just so happened to be different from my set of values. But that doesn’t make them wrong, and it was absolutely no reflection on how he felt about me. He just didn’t want to change who he was and what he thought was important to be with me—and I certainly wouldn’t want him to change in those fundamental ways just to please me.
Of course, I also was not going to change in those fundamental ways, so we simply were not a good match. But again, that doesn’t make either one of us wrong or bad.
I finally realized that he thought he was paying me a compliment when he called me thrifty, because he values that quality immensely.
Obviously, I don’t value that quality in the same way that he does, which is fine, but I had been judging him for being thrifty. I had been prejudiced against his belief system. And I am very grateful for the chance to recognize that prejudice and judgment, and to now see this situation, this relationship and this man very, very differently. What a relief!
]]>Take a friend of mine who's going through a divorce. His 20-year-old daughter blames him and finds many ways to lash out in anger.
My friend can tell the story of this difficult time in their relationship in a lot of different ways — and those ways feel very different.
For instance, he can tell a story that makes him feel angry at her for lashing out at him.
He can tell a story that makes him feel disappointed because she doesn’t appreciate everything he’s done for her up to this point in her life, as well as what he continues to do for her (such as paying her college tuition).
He can tell a story that makes him feel guilty for ending his marriage and therefore messing up his relationship with his daughter.
He can think of his daughter as estranged from him. He can feel rejected by her. He can call their relationship challenging or fractured, damaged or ruined.
Or ... he can tell a story that feels a little bit — or maybe even a lot — better. He can choose to shift his perspective about their relationship.
In his case, the shift in perspective that made him actually laugh out loud (which clearly is an improvement) was when he thought of their relationship not as broken or troubled, but as tricky.
Tricky feels lighter and easier than those other descriptions of his relationship with his daughter. Tricky also feels less permanent and certainly not ruined. After all, lots of things are tricky, but that doesn’t make them bad or impossible. Learning to ride a bike is tricky, and so is learning to do algebra, but they’re do-able.
In short, the story my friend tells himself about this or any situation determines how he feels. My friend can tell a story that makes him feel angry or even outraged. He can tell a story that makes him feel rejected and punished. He can tell a story that makes him feel resentful. He can tell a story that makes him feel guilty and ashamed.
Or he can shift his perspective just a little bit and tell a story that feels softer, better, more hopeful. He can let this be a tricky situation.
If you try this technique yourself, you can feel right away if a particular shift in perspective is good for you because it will trigger a feeling of relief. In my friend’s case, the benefit of this particular shift in perspective was obvious: He actually laughed out loud.
And you can do the same. You can do it so that you’ll feel better in the moment, which is a good thing in its own right. And you also can use this technique so that you’ll soften, in a very literal sense. When you soften your perspective, you let go of defensiveness, hurt, blame, condemnation and the like. That’s when you’re able to come from — and literally live in — a more heart-centered place, and that changes everything.
]]>First of all, I’ve never thought of myself as thrifty. No, I don’t buy lots of expensive things to show off for others. But I also live in a very nice home that’s by no means inexpensive. I have a very nice new car that’s not about status, but it’s certainly not cheap by any measure. I like to eat in wonderful restaurants and drink really good wine—also not signs of being thrifty.
In fact, while this man and I were dating, he used to complain that I was “too expensive.” When we were first dating, he paid for most of our lunches and dinners together, allowing me to pay once in a while. But after a few weeks, he wanted me to split the price of all of our meals, and not long after that, he insisted that we eat at less expensive places than my usual choices.
So I found it strange, but fascinating, that he now thinks of me as being “thrifty.”
And then it hit me: He’s modeling exactly the kind of behavior I recommend to others, but that I was having so much trouble living when it came to him.
The behavior in question is telling the story of an event, a relationship—whatever it may be that you’re focused upon—in a way that feels better or more pleasing to you.
Most of us have been trained by parents, teachers, peers and other well-meaning folks to document reality, that is, to “tell it like it is.”
If you’ve studied the Law of Attraction at all, then you know that you get what you focus upon. And if you focus upon “what is,” if you focus upon your current reality, you’ll get more of that.
Of course, that can be a very good thing, if you’re enjoying your current reality.
But if there are things that could be better (and aren’t there always things that could be better, even if they’re pretty darn good right now?), then you’ll want to take your focus off of your current reality and place it on what you do want. You’ll want to keep looking in the direction you’d like to go.
One of the most effective ways to do that, in my experience, is to change the stories you tell yourself.
Self-talk is very important. Most of us spend a surprising amount of time on self-talk that’s ostensibly directed at other people. We practice telling the story of what is happening or what has happened—e.g., why we were late for work or why the dinner we made didn’t turn out perfect or why we’re having a hard time committing to a relationship or whatever it may be—as if we were telling that story to someone else.
These are stories that are easy to change when we’re first practicing this technique, because it’s easy to spot them. It’s easy to recognize that we’re in the middle of telling a story.
The next time you notice yourself doing this, stop and ask yourself how that story feels. Does it feel good or bad or just kind of blah?
If it doesn’t feel good—in fact, if it doesn’t feel fabulous—can you change the story to make it feel better?
You’d be surprised how easy it is to change the story you tell yourself about almost anything.
Take a relationship that ended. You can call it a “failed relationship,” which feels lousy. Or you can tell a different story.
For example, you can choose to call it a “learning experience.” I’m sure you learned a lot about yourself via that relationship. And I bet you learned a lot about what you do want and what you don’t want in future relationships. That’s very useful information.
So why not tell a story that feels better and that just so happens to also be true? Why not shift your focus and attention from the end of that relationship and therefore its “failure” to the usefulness of that relationship and therefore its “value”?
After all, it’s your story. You can tell it however you like—to yourself and to other people, too.
As for that ex-boyfriend, I had been so focused on the “reality” of how cheap he was (and how he actually prided himself on being cheap!), that I couldn’t remember the things I did like about being with him.
I was telling a story of that relationship that felt really uncomfortable.
Now, thanks to his shining example, I have started telling myself a story about my choice in a dating partner that feels much better. Instead of focusing on what I didn’t like about him, I have begun focusing on things I did like—and, most importantly, on things that I would like to attract in a future partner.
Specifically, I’ve been focusing on how much fun it was to be with someone who loved to go to parties, who loved to dance, who loved to go out to eat, who loved to go and do fun things.
Needless to say, that feels a whole lot better than the story I’d been telling myself before!
]]>Say you start dating someone new. Many people will introduce this new lover to some of their friends so that they can get one or more “second opinions.”
Clearly, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to integrate your new lover into your life, and that would involve getting to know your friends.
But seeking out other people’s opinions isn’t really helpful in evaluating whether or not you want to be with someone. You don’t need to know what they think. You need to know what you think. And even if your opinion isn’t totally conscious or clear, you still can feel it in your gut.
On the other hand, listening to other people’s opinions can be hugely insightful — not in terms of how to live your life, but in terms of understanding where those other people are coming from.
For instance, a friend of mine recently met the new boyfriend of a woman we both know. When asked what she thought of the man, my friend said, “He seems respectful.”
Another friend described the same man as being very conscientious and attentive in making sure the woman’s needs were taken care of.
I found these comments very interesting. They were quite different from what I had been thinking about the same man. Not that the comments were untrue.
Rather, they helped me realize just how much other people’s opinions are a reflection of what’s important to them.
Take my friend who deemed the man “respectful.” She has been in some relationships where she felt enormously disrespected. So respect is very important to her. From her perspective, deeming someone respectful is a big deal. It’s both a serious compliment and a deal-breaker.
As for my other friend, well, she’s been in relationships in which she felt her needs were not considered important by her partner, if he even noticed them at all. So, in her case, it’s very important that a man notice and attend to a woman’s needs.
If you take a step back during your conversations in the next day or two and observe them, even as you’re participating in them, I suspect you’ll gain some interesting insights into the people you’re talking to. I suspect they’ll tell you — through their comments, opinions and observations — just what matters to them at this point in their lives.
These kinds of insights can really enhance your relationships, and ease some tension in challenging relationships, too.
]]>It’s a question well worth pondering.
When I was married, I started waxing my bikini area because my husband really wanted me to. After I had been single again for at least a year, I realized I was still going to the aesthetician with a bit of a resentful attitude. I still felt as if someone was making me get waxed.
Clearly, no one was forcing me. So I had a little chat with myself. It went something like this:
If you don’t want to get waxed anymore, you don’t have to. But if you are going to keep getting waxed, then decide to do it because you want to.
When I stopped and thought about it, I realized that I liked the way waxing reduced the amount of hair that grew back. And I liked the fact that whatever hair did grow back came in finer and softer. Plus, waxing was far less irritating to my skin than shaving.
So I decided to keep on waxing ... for me.
Now, when I go to the aesthetician, I appreciate her more. I enjoy the experience more. It hurts a lot less. And the benefits that I focused upon have multiplied: Less and less hair grows back, it grows back softer than ever before, and I experience less and less skin irritation.
In short, there’s nothing wrong with caring about your appearance. Generally speaking, I’d say it’s a good thing!
But if you’re doing things to attract a potential partner or because somebody else wants you to or even because you feel as if society says you have to, then those actions will carry a different kind of energy. They won’t feel as joyful and nurturing and self-loving as they would if you were doing the very same things to please yourself.
So, it’s worthwhile to check in every now and then and ask yourself: For whom am I doing X or Y or Z?
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