Change Your Story, Change Your Life

I had lunch with an ex-boyfriend recently, and I was shocked to discover that he remembered me very differently from the way I actually was. In fact, he made a comment about me being “thrifty,” which stunned me. 

First of all, I’ve never thought of myself as thrifty. No, I don’t buy lots of expensive things to show off for others. But I also live in a very nice home that’s by no means inexpensive. I have a very nice new car that’s not about status, but it’s certainly not cheap by any measure. I like to eat in wonderful restaurants and drink really good wine—also not signs of being thrifty.

In fact, while this man and I were dating, he used to complain that I was “too expensive.” When we were first dating, he paid for most of our lunches and dinners together, allowing me to pay once in a while. But after a few weeks, he wanted me to split the price of all of our meals, and not long after that, he insisted that we eat at less expensive places than my usual choices.

So I found it strange, but fascinating, that he now thinks of me as being “thrifty.”

And then it hit me: He’s modeling exactly the kind of behavior I recommend to others, but that I was having so much trouble living when it came to him.

The behavior in question is telling the story of an event, a relationship—whatever it may be that you’re focused upon—in a way that feels better or more pleasing to you.

Most of us have been trained by parents, teachers, peers and other well-meaning folks to document reality, that is, to “tell it like it is.” 

If you’ve studied the Law of Attraction at all, then you know that you get what you focus upon. And if you focus upon “what is,” if you focus upon your current reality, you’ll get more of that.

Of course, that can be a very good thing, if you’re enjoying your current reality.

But if there are things that could be better (and aren’t there always things that could be better, even if they’re pretty darn good right now?), then you’ll want to take your focus off of your current reality and place it on what you do want. You’ll want to keep looking in the direction you’d like to go.

One of the most effective ways to do that, in my experience, is to change the stories you tell yourself.

Self-talk is very important. Most of us spend a surprising amount of time on self-talk that’s ostensibly directed at other people. We practice telling the story of what is happening or what has happened—e.g., why we were late for work or why the dinner we made didn’t turn out perfect or why we’re having a hard time committing to a relationship or whatever it may be—as if we were telling that story to someone else.

These are stories that are easy to change when we’re first practicing this technique, because it’s easy to spot them. It’s easy to recognize that we’re in the middle of telling a story.

The next time you notice yourself doing this, stop and ask yourself how that story feels. Does it feel good or bad or just kind of blah?

If it doesn’t feel good—in fact, if it doesn’t feel fabulous—can you change the story to make it feel better?

You’d be surprised how easy it is to change the story you tell yourself about almost anything.

Take a relationship that ended. You can call it a “failed relationship,” which feels lousy. Or you can tell a different story. 

For example, you can choose to call it a “learning experience.” I’m sure you learned a lot about yourself via that relationship. And I bet you learned a lot about what you do want and what you don’t want in future relationships. That’s very useful information. 

So why not tell a story that feels better and that just so happens to also be true? Why not shift your focus and attention from the end of that relationship and therefore its “failure” to the usefulness of that relationship and therefore its “value”?

After all, it’s your story. You can tell it however you like—to yourself and to other people, too.

As for that ex-boyfriend, I had been so focused on the “reality” of how cheap he was (and how he actually prided himself on being cheap!), that I couldn’t remember the things I did like about being with him. 

I was telling a story of that relationship that felt really uncomfortable.

Now, thanks to his shining example, I have started telling myself a story about my choice in a dating partner that feels much better. Instead of focusing on what I didn’t like about him, I have begun focusing on things I did like—and, most importantly, on things that I would like to attract in a future partner. 

Specifically, I’ve been focusing on how much fun it was to be with someone who loved to go to parties, who loved to dance, who loved to go out to eat, who loved to go and do fun things. 

Needless to say, that feels a whole lot better than the story I’d been telling myself before!

Other People's Opinions

If you want to be truly happy, it helps to stop caring about other people’s opinions.

Say you start dating someone new. Many people will introduce this new lover to some of their friends so that they can get one or more “second opinions.”

Clearly, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to integrate your new lover into your life, and that would involve getting to know your friends. 

But seeking out other people’s opinions isn’t really helpful in evaluating whether or not you want to be with someone. You don’t need to know what they think. You need to know what you think. And even if your opinion isn’t totally conscious or clear, you still can feel it in your gut. 

On the other hand, listening to other people’s opinions can be hugely insightful — not in terms of how to live your life, but in terms of understanding where those other people are coming from.

For instance, a friend of mine recently met the new boyfriend of a woman we both know. When asked what she thought of the man, my friend said, “He seems respectful.”

Another friend described the same man as being very conscientious and attentive in making sure the woman’s needs were taken care of.

I found these comments very interesting. They were quite different from what I had been thinking about the same man. Not that the comments were untrue. 

Rather, they helped me realize just how much other people’s opinions are a reflection of what’s important to them. 

Take my friend who deemed the man “respectful.” She has been in some relationships where she felt enormously disrespected. So respect is very important to her. From her perspective, deeming someone respectful is a big deal. It’s both a serious compliment and a deal-breaker.

As for my other friend, well, she’s been in relationships in which she felt her needs were not considered important by her partner, if he even noticed them at all. So, in her case, it’s very important that a man notice and attend to a woman’s needs.

If you take a step back during your conversations in the next day or two and observe them, even as you’re participating in them, I suspect you’ll gain some interesting insights into the people you’re talking to. I suspect they’ll tell you — through their comments, opinions and observations — just what matters to them at this point in their lives.

These kinds of insights can really enhance your relationships, and ease some tension in challenging relationships, too.

For Whom Are You Doing Things?

If you color your hair, take special care in shaving, get waxed, get a manicure or pedicure, buy special clothes, wear cologne, go to the gym, go running and so on, are you doing those things because they please you, or are you doing those things because they please someone else — or because they might attract someone else?

It’s a question well worth pondering.

When I was married, I started waxing my bikini area because my husband really wanted me to. After I had been single again for at least a year, I realized I was still going to the aesthetician with a bit of a resentful attitude. I still felt as if someone was making me get waxed. 

Clearly, no one was forcing me. So I had a little chat with myself. It went something like this:

If you don’t want to get waxed anymore, you don’t have to. But if you are going to keep getting waxed, then decide to do it because you want to.

When I stopped and thought about it, I realized that I liked the way waxing reduced the amount of hair that grew back. And I liked the fact that whatever hair did grow back came in finer and softer. Plus, waxing was far less irritating to my skin than shaving. 

So I decided to keep on waxing ... for me. 

Now, when I go to the aesthetician, I appreciate her more. I enjoy the experience more. It hurts a lot less. And the benefits that I focused upon have multiplied: Less and less hair grows back, it grows back softer than ever before, and I experience less and less skin irritation.

In short, there’s nothing wrong with caring about your appearance. Generally speaking, I’d say it’s a good thing!

But if you’re doing things to attract a potential partner or because somebody else wants you to or even because you feel as if society says you have to, then those actions will carry a different kind of energy. They won’t feel as joyful and nurturing and self-loving as they would if you were doing the very same things to please yourself. 

So, it’s worthwhile to check in every now and then and ask yourself: For whom am I doing X or Y or Z?

You’re Just Like So-and-So

I was talking to a new friend recently, and over the course of an evening, he told me that I reminded him of several different people. An ex-girlfriend. His ex-wife. Another ex-girlfriend. I think he may have even said I was just like them.

At first, I thought it was interesting. Then, as the evening progressed, I found it annoying, then rather bizarre. 

But, in retrospect, it may have been a great opportunity for healing. Often, there are things left unsaid in past relationships — or we’ve gained new insights and understandings over the years — and we would like to share that information with the person from long ago. 

Maybe it would have been really therapeutic for this man if I had asked him what he would like to say to each of these people — if I had stood in as a surrogate for each one of them. Maybe he could have experienced some closure or some peace or at least a bit of relief or even insight. Maybe he could have spotted some patterns and let go of them once and for all. 

Hmm. The next time someone tells me I’m just like someone they used to know, perhaps I’ll ask if there is something he or she would like to say to that person. I do love to be the conduit for that kind of healing.

Telling Remarks

Do you tend to make comments that uplift people? Or do you tend to make comments that diminish people?

I was having dinner with a friend the other night, and he said something very interesting. I mentioned that I had studied Spanish for seven years in school, and he said, “Seven years? That makes you,” and then he paused and said, “qualified to be a dishwasher.”

I think it may actually make me qualified to teach Spanish, if I were to take a couple teaching courses to supplement all that education. But that’s not the point.

The point is the tone of his remark. Clearly, it was not meant to feel uplifting. It was not a “wow, good for you” kind of comment. It was closer to the demoralizing, demeaning, diminishing end of the spectrum.

Of course, his comments (and anyone else’s comments) don’t have to “make” me feel any particular way. I get to choose how I respond to other people and their remarks. In this case, I didn’t feel upset or diminished. But I did feel surprised.

I was surprised because it was such a telling remark — not about me or where I’m at, but about him and where he’s coming from right now.

I’m not saying that he’s a bad person or a bad friend. I don’t have any judgment about the comment in that sort of way.

Actually, I value the comment for what it was: an indication that he doesn’t feel very powerful right now.

People who feel genuinely powerful (as opposed to bullies or those who have amassed power as a way to control others) have a natural tendency to empower those around them. Think Gandhi or Mother Teresa, though you and I can get there, too. People who truly feel and know their own power find it easy to see other people’s power and to empower them, effortlessly, spontaneously, even unknowingly.

In contrast, my friend’s comment is a sign that he’s coming from a not-so-powerful place, perhaps even somewhere in the neighborhood of powerlessness. And when people feel powerless or weak, they are not naturally inclined — and probably not even able — to empower others. It’s like love or money: You can’t give someone something that you don’t have yourself.

Rather than judge my friend for his rather harsh remark, I actually have a lot of compassion for him. I know he has felt powerful in the past, and I would love for him to feel powerful again.

Just for fun, you might want to pay attention to the casual comments you make — and hear — throughout the day. If you keep an open mind and a gentle heart, I bet you’ll find quite a bit of insight along the way.