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Sunday

May162010

Other People's Opinions

Sunday, May 16, 2010 at 12:10PM

If you want to be truly happy, it helps to stop caring about other people’s opinions.

Say you start dating someone new. Many people will introduce this new lover to some of their friends so that they can get one or more “second opinions.”

Clearly, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to integrate your new lover into your life, and that would involve getting to know your friends.

But seeking out other people’s opinions isn’t really helpful in evaluating whether or not you want to be with someone. You don’t need to know what they think. You need to know what you think. And even if your opinion isn’t totally conscious or clear, you still can feel it in your gut.

On the other hand, listening to other people’s opinions can be hugely insightful — not in terms of how to live your life, but in terms of understanding where those other people are coming from.

For instance, a friend of mine recently met the new boyfriend of a woman we both know. When asked what she thought of the man, my friend said, “He seems respectful.”

Another friend described the same man as being very conscientious and attentive in making sure the woman’s needs were taken care of.

I found these comments very interesting. They were quite different from what I had been thinking about the same man. Not that the comments were untrue.

Rather, they helped me realize just how much other people’s opinions are a reflection of what’s important to them.

Take my friend who deemed the man “respectful.” She has been in some relationships where she felt enormously disrespected. So respect is very important to her. From her perspective, deeming someone respectful is a big deal. It’s both a serious compliment and a deal-breaker.

As for my other friend, well, she’s been in relationships in which she felt her needs were not considered important by her partner, if he even noticed them at all. So, in her case, it’s very important that a man notice and attend to a woman’s needs.

If you take a step back during your conversations in the next day or two and observe them, even as you’re participating in them, I suspect you’ll gain some interesting insights into the people you’re talking to. I suspect they’ll tell you — through their comments, opinions and observations — just what matters to them at this point in their lives.

These kinds of insights can really enhance your relationships, and ease some tension in challenging relationships, too.

Sue Elliott |

For Whom Are You Doing Things?

Friday, April 30, 2010 at 10:48AM

If you color your hair, take special care in shaving, get waxed, get a manicure or pedicure, buy special clothes, wear cologne, go to the gym, go running and so on, are you doing those things because they please you, or are you doing those things because they please someone else — or because they might attract someone else?

It’s a question well worth pondering.

When I was married, I started waxing my bikini area because my husband really wanted me to. After I had been single again for at least a year, I realized I was still going to the aesthetician with a bit of a resentful attitude. I still felt as if someone was making me get waxed.

Clearly, no one was forcing me. So I had a little chat with myself. It went something like this:

If you don’t want to get waxed anymore, you don’t have to. But if you are going to keep getting waxed, then decide to do it because you want to.

When I stopped and thought about it, I realized that I liked the way waxing reduced the amount of hair that grew back. And I liked the fact that whatever hair did grow back came in finer and softer. Plus, waxing was far less irritating to my skin than shaving.

So I decided to keep on waxing ... for me.

Now, when I go to the aesthetician, I appreciate her more. I enjoy the experience more. It hurts a lot less. And the benefits that I focused upon have multiplied: Less and less hair grows back, it grows back softer than ever before, and I experience less and less skin irritation.

In short, there’s nothing wrong with caring about your appearance. Generally speaking, I’d say it’s a good thing!

But if you’re doing things to attract a potential partner or because somebody else wants you to or even because you feel as if society says you have to, then those actions will carry a different kind of energy. They won’t feel as joyful and nurturing and self-loving as they would if you were doing the very same things to please yourself.

So, it’s worthwhile to check in every now and then and ask yourself: For whom am I doing X or Y or Z?

Sue Elliott |

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Tuesday

Apr272010

You’re Just Like So-and-So

Tuesday, April 27, 2010 at 9:25AM

I was talking to a new friend recently, and over the course of an evening, he told me that I reminded him of several different people. An ex-girlfriend. His ex-wife. Another ex-girlfriend. I think he may have even said I was just like them.

At first, I thought it was interesting. Then, as the evening progressed, I found it annoying, then rather bizarre.

But, in retrospect, it may have been a great opportunity for healing. Often, there are things left unsaid in past relationships — or we’ve gained new insights and understandings over the years — and we would like to share that information with the person from long ago.

Maybe it would have been really therapeutic for this man if I had asked him what he would like to say to each of these people — if I had stood in as a surrogate for each one of them. Maybe he could have experienced some closure or some peace or at least a bit of relief or even insight. Maybe he could have spotted some patterns and let go of them once and for all.

Hmm. The next time someone tells me I’m just like someone they used to know, perhaps I’ll ask if there is something he or she would like to say to that person. I do love to be the conduit for that kind of healing.

Sue Elliott |

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Monday

Apr262010

Telling Remarks

Monday, April 26, 2010 at 2:29PM

Do you tend to make comments that uplift people? Or do you tend to make comments that diminish people?

I was having dinner with a friend the other night, and he said something very interesting. I mentioned that I had studied Spanish for seven years in school, and he said, “Seven years? That makes you,” and then he paused and said, “qualified to be a dishwasher.”

I think it may actually make me qualified to teach Spanish, if I were to take a couple teaching courses to supplement all that education. But that’s not the point.

The point is the tone of his remark. Clearly, it was not meant to feel uplifting. It was not a “wow, good for you” kind of comment. It was closer to the demoralizing, demeaning, diminishing end of the spectrum.

Of course, his comments (and anyone else’s comments) don’t have to “make” me feel any particular way. I get to choose how I respond to other people and their remarks. In this case, I didn’t feel upset or diminished. But I did feel surprised.

I was surprised because it was such a telling remark — not about me or where I’m at, but about him and where he’s coming from right now.

I’m not saying that he’s a bad person or a bad friend. I don’t have any judgment about the comment in that sort of way.

Actually, I value the comment for what it was: an indication that he doesn’t feel very powerful right now.

People who feel genuinely powerful (as opposed to bullies or those who have amassed power as a way to control others) have a natural tendency to empower those around them. Think Gandhi or Mother Teresa, though you and I can get there, too. People who truly feel and know their own power find it easy to see other people’s power and to empower them, effortlessly, spontaneously, even unknowingly.

In contrast, my friend’s comment is a sign that he’s coming from a not-so-powerful place, perhaps even somewhere in the neighborhood of powerlessness. And when people feel powerless or weak, they are not naturally inclined — and probably not even able — to empower others. It’s like love or money: You can’t give someone something that you don’t have yourself.

Rather than judge my friend for his rather harsh remark, I actually have a lot of compassion for him. I know he has felt powerful in the past, and I would love for him to feel powerful again.

Just for fun, you might want to pay attention to the casual comments you make — and hear — throughout the day. If you keep an open mind and a gentle heart, I bet you’ll find quite a bit of insight along the way.

Sue Elliott |

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Monday

Apr122010

Loneliness

Monday, April 12, 2010 at 5:57PM

We’ve all experienced the feeling of loneliness.

Sometimes, when we’re around other people, all we want is to be alone — or to be left alone.

But sometimes when we actually are alone, we feel empty, or disconnected, or like we’ve been left out. Like there must be something wonderful going on somewhere, and no one bothered to invite us.

Where does that feeling come from? And, more importantly, how do we make it go away?

I have a lot of experience with being alone. I grew up as an only child. I live by myself. I work from home. Even when I was married, I worked from home alone most of those years. So I’ve logged a lot of alone time.

I find that when I’m alone and I’m engaged in some activity — when I’m really into it, not just going through the motions, even if that activity is as mundane as washing the dishes — then I don’t feel lonely.

But if I’m sitting around, trying to figure out what to do and not feeling particularly inspired, then loneliness can creep in. Especially when I combine being alone and uninspired with the S-word: should.

The minute I start thinking things like, “It’s Saturday night. I should go out and do something,” then loneliness can get a foot in the door. And pretty soon, I find myself thinking, “I mean, really, it’s Saturday night. I should have plans. I should have something to do. Somebody should want to be with me. Maybe nobody wants to be with me. I’ve really isolated myself. I’m so alone.”

It’s amazing how fast that downward spiral can get moving and take me with it. But now I recognize that thought pattern. And I know that’s all it is: It’s just a pattern of thoughts that I’ve thought before.

Yes, it may be a familiar pattern. Yes, it may get moving really quickly because I’ve worn a groove in my brain down that path.

But I don’t have to keep thinking those thoughts. I can make a mental U-turn, or at least a detour.

The key is to catch myself and realize I’ve stepped into a thought groove. Then I can simply stop and ask myself a question, like: “OK, it’s Saturday night. Do I feel like going out, or would I rather stay in?”

Giving myself a simple choice based on what feels better in the moment helps immensely. That’s because loneliness is a very disempowered feeling. By seeing that I have choices and then by making a choice, I step back into my own power.

Note that there’s no right or wrong answer to the question in this example. I can go out or stay in on a Saturday night. Either choice is just fine.

The key is to first see that it’s my decision to make, and then to tune in to how I feel when I envision myself getting ready to go out, or going to one of my favorite local restaurants and sitting at the bar, or staying in, or what-have-you.

Once I’ve made the decision to stay in or go out, I usually realize I have lots more choices. If I feel like staying in, I can invite one or more of my friends to come over, or I can choose to remain alone. Same for going out.

Interestingly, when this situation comes up in my life lately, I find that I often choose to stay in and remain alone. But because I’ve taken back my power by giving myself choices — by literally giving myself a say in the matter — I no longer feel the slightest bit lonely.

It’s a pretty neat trick, don’t you think? And it works in all kinds of icky-feeling situations.

Sue Elliott |

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